Life on the Road

Living in an RV, we’ve had the opportunity to meet many nice, friendly folks on the road– opportunities which we’ve shunned, because let’s face it, other people are annoying. Therefore, I present to you 20 ways to annoy your neighbors when you live or camp at an RV park:

1. This weekend is the perfect time to start learning how to play the harmonica. Polka tunes for beginners only, please.
2. Wear your tightest speedo swimsuit to the pool. Make sure to sit on the edge of the pool with your knees wide apart.
3. Lie. Lie early, lie often. There are more retired U.S. CIA agents living in RVs than there are on the CIA pension plan.
4. Do the “I got me some steaks and you don’t got none!” dance whenever someone walks by your campsite. Then eat hot dogs for dinner.
5. Drink. Heavily. If you aren’t drinking a beer right now, or have just put an empty into the trash, you’re doing it wrong.
6. Tie your dog to the tree next to your campsite with the regulation 6′ leash. Bonus: yell at her when she whines or barks about being tied up.
7. Drop a melted marshmallow on the road, about 6 inches from the edge of the road. This will ensure that a pedestrian steps in it and wears it on her shoe for the rest of the day.
8. Park your RV under a seed-bearing or pine needle-shedding tree, then wash it daily.
9. Walk or bike in the middle of the road. You don’t want to step in all the marshmallows, after all.
10. Sewer hose? We don’t need no stinkin’ sewer hose! If you position the rig juuuuust right, the flow should go straight from the valve into the pipe, right?
11. Help other people park their RVs. Carefully detail which hand signals mean turn right or left, stop, and go forward. Then completely ignore those signals and wave your hands wildly around until the driver runs into a tree.
12. The ground is a perfectly fine place to dump your graywater.
13. RV tires don’t usually show signs of road wear. Break bottles in front of other people’s campsites. They will thank you for giving them a reason to replace their tires.
14. Show off your “converted” 1950’s bus, carrying photos around and suggesting to campground staff that “this park really needs to have a bus section!” Never mind that the only conversions you’ve done are to tape black plastic bags over the windows and set a hot plate on one of the seats.
15. When traffic approaches while you’re walking in the middle of the road, swerve to the left, then right, then left again before making it to one side or another.
16. Remember: poop bags are for other people’s dogs!
17. At the campground rec room, flip endlessly through TV channels until you find the most boring sport available (golf, bowling, and poker are all good choices). Then, if anyone in the room seems interested, talk loudly to them about how much you both like golf.
18. Compete with your neighbors (all of them) over lawn decorations and lighting. When you install a new bauble, take a photo of it and walk it around to the neighbors to show it off.
19. When a new camper comes in, stop by and chit-chat with them. Tell them to call you on the CB any time. Knock on their door, morning and night to ask if they have their CB on, cause you’ve been trying to chat with them.
20. Wander around the park with a clipboard and camera. Take photos of every third RV and campsite, then act cagey when they ask you what you’re doing.

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With thanks and a nod to other great lists, like 248 ways to annoy people and Skippy’s list.

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